How to Survive a Horror Movie: A Comprehensive Guide
We've watched thousands of horror movies so you don't have to die. Follow these rules and you might just make it to the credits.
Spookums
As Randy Meeks taught us in Scream, there are rules to surviving horror movies. But Randy's list was incomplete. After exhaustive research (and thousands of fictional deaths), we've compiled the definitive survival guide.
RULE 1: BELIEVE THE FIRST WARNING
When the gas station attendant tells you not to go to Camp Blood, don't go to Camp Blood. When the locals warn you about the old Whateley place, avoid the old Whateley place. Exposition exists to save your life. The only people who ignore warnings are corpses who haven't died yet.
RULE 2: STAY TOGETHER (MOSTLY)
"Let's split up" is a death sentence. Killers prefer isolated victims. However, there's an exception: if your group contains obvious villain bait (the mean girl, the cheating boyfriend, the skeptic who mocks the supernatural), consider strategic distancing.
RULE 3: CARDIO MATTERS
You don't have to outrun the monster. You have to outrun everyone else. Stay in shape. And for the love of all that's unholy, don't trip and fall. Practice running on uneven terrain. Wear sensible shoes.
RULE 4: CONFIRM THE KILL
The killer is never dead after one hit. Never. If you knock down Jason, Michael, or any masked assailant, don't stand there catching your breath. Keep hitting. Decapitation is preferred. Then burn the remains. Scatter the ashes in running water.
RULE 5: RESPECT ANCIENT ARTIFACTS
Found a mysterious book bound in human skin? Leave it alone. Discovered an old puzzle box? Don't solve it. Inherited a creepy doll? Burn it immediately. Nothing good comes from ancient artifacts. Nothing.
RULE 6: PHONES ARE USELESS
Cell phones will have no signal. Landlines will be cut. The police will arrive too late. Plan accordingly. Learn self-defense. Carry weapons. Don't rely on technology or authorities.
RULE 7: INVESTIGATE NOTHING
Strange noise in the basement? Not your problem. Light flickering in the abandoned wing? Someone else can check. Your curiosity is not worth your life. Professional investigators exist. Let them die instead.
RULE 8: TRUST CHILDREN AND ANIMALS
If the kid says there's a monster in the closet, there's a monster in the closet. If the dog won't enter a room, neither should you. Children and animals see things adults miss. Unless the child is creepy—then the child is the threat.
RULE 9: FINAL GIRL TRAITS
To survive, embody final girl energy: Be resourceful. Don't panic. Use improvised weapons. Have a traumatic backstory (gives you narrative protection). Be the person who takes threats seriously while everyone else dies.
RULE 10: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Avoid: Cabins in the woods. Remote motels. Houses built on burial grounds. Anything described as "too good to be true." European hostels. Midwestern farms. Anyplace where the cell signal is conveniently absent.
Follow these rules and you might—might—survive to the sequel. Where, unfortunately, the rules change.